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Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #51 
FMD types
Sure, sure have your fun everyone... but you are missing the bigger picture here. I did this for you. For all fignuts!

FMD  - only if there dark types.
FMD

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Posted Reply with quote  #52 

For the record, this is what those stupid azeleas looked like. If they didn't fruit after 3 years, I figured they had to go. Logical, right? 

And yes, Martin, one of the plants is a large, luscious, juicy, BLACK heirloom fig that dreams are made of. The last time I tasted it was at age 7 in the pastoral countryside setting of Calabria! Did I mention it is black?

A jury of my peers would acquit me faster than the time it takes a fignut to eat a dozen figs. Can I get an amen on that?

Question:

How many of you have spouses that love to eat the figs you've grown? How many of these same spouses have never complained about how, where, when and why you root so many cuttings...or where you plant them? Who has not heard the question, "So, what on earth are you going to do with all those figs?"

Do they think figs are conceived, immaculately? Do they think they drop from fig heaven right into the palm of their hand?

Nay, say I. It is high time we stand up for our rights and claim the entire garden, not just the part that they contemptuously thow at us like a scrap to a beggar.

Take back the garden!   Take back the garden!   Take back the garden!  

Take back the garden!   Take back the garden!    Take back the garden!  

Who's with me?

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Frank
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Gina

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Posted Reply with quote  #53 

Quote:
A jury of my peers would acquit me faster than the time it takes a fignut to eat
a dozen figs. Can I get an amen on that?

 

I didn't know Florida courts flew in fig-lovers ... er, jurors from all over the country. Will you put us all up? I'd like a room by the pool. :)

 

One serious warning however... women have very long memories. My father once pulled out a lavendar orchid my mom had been growing and he planted some zucchini in the area. (You can eat it, right?) He heard about that literally for years.


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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #54 
Frank,

My wife does not care about figs but she understands I have a passion for them.
I don't associate with many people and  spend most of my time away from the truck at home and tending to my figs or fig related stuff.
Yes, I do have a life and do go out from time to time like everyone else but at the end of the day my wife supports me at what I do and helps out when I'm away.

I think your wife's reaction at the beginning would be like a big surprise to her and she would be at awe. But as it sinks in she will come to you and tell you how bored she was of those Azaleas and that she appreciates what you have done. Why, because she loves you. While deep down in her own mind she's thinking what a knuckle-head.

Good wives are hard to find. I know, I have one. And sometimes I can hear what she's thinking.

All in the name of love.

I think you will be just fine 
Centurion

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Posted Reply with quote  #55 

naw.  She's gonna kill him...
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Nichole

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Posted Reply with quote  #56 
While I think rafed's version of reality is sweet, I don't think it'll be a reality FMD will get to appreciate.

You better buy her something sparkly.
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Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #57 
FMD...lol no you did not mention any color but glad your so fond of it !

Answer to your "Question"

Im in the minority just like me favoring dark types as my Wife does not eat figs at all does not like them period but likes fig spread with cheese and like fig bread, i tell ya there wired different from us.

Yes she used to ask long time ago but not anymore "what are you going to do with all them figs" that was until she saw me on many occasions sitting at the patio table eating a plateful by myself daily when there in the height of ripening.

Claim the entire garden you say ?

She does not care what i grow in the yard actually i have veggie garden that i tend to myself along with the fig trees.
The only thing she says some times with a smile "how many times a day can you look at them fig trees " she then smiles as she knows they keep me happy.
What a Gal.

Gina is very correct when she says Woman have very good memory for they dont forget nothing.
FMD

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Posted Reply with quote  #58 

Such kind-hearted people to worry about my well being!!

The truth of the matter is, when my wife found out, she brained me with one of her copper skillets and I am now living our of a suitcase in Motel 8 with a bandaged noggin' and a migraine the size of Ethiopia . The worst part is she wouldn't let me take my dog, Bella, Or allow me to say goodbye to her. I won't even  begin to describe what she did to my beloved Calabrian figs. That would be much too painful.to re-live.

Excuse me while I compose myself a moment.

.

.

.

.

.

Well, I've learned my lesson the hard way. Figs are the devil, the devil I tell you. Especially the BLACK ones, Martin.

It's too late for me but not for the rest of you. Repent, I say..Repent....

Send me all of your evil, nasty figs (especially the rare types-the evilest of all) and I will dispose of them for you, so that I may redeem myself in the eyes of my wife.


  Don't read below the line if you believe me.

============================================

Ok, for the real truth: this thread is 100% satirical based on some truths. The topiary azaleas died a cruel death from our last unseasonable freeze (killing 90% of my figs as well), so my wife was actually happy that I pulled out those ugly corpses and planted something green in their place. I am emailing her this entire thread, which she will find hilarious. The part about eating my figs but complaining about the mess I make rooting cuttings is also true.


 
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Frank
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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #59 
Frank,

Does this mean we don't get to see you in one of these?
BLB

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Posted Reply with quote  #60 

I think you had us all going for most of this, very entertaining, was waiting for the fallout, but I am glad you are still in one piece 
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Posted Reply with quote  #61 
This is FMD's wife....it is Father's day after all and I do know how to forgive. However, I do expect 12 red roses, Godiva chocolates and plane tickets to Venice, Italy (where he can get more fig plants for his collection ) waiting for me at home. If not, expect a similar scene from this photo for my next posting :)

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jpeg v07_09061666.jpg (434.88 KB, 33 views)


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Frank
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texascockatoos

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Posted Reply with quote  #62 
Coming from a women - here is what you do.

Tell her that the encyclopedia salesmen rang the door bell.  You refused to let him in the house so ya'll talked in the doorway for almost an hour.  He admired the topiary azaleas so much that he offered to pay you $100 each.  So you sold them and left the $200 on the kitchen table for her. 

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paully22

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Posted Reply with quote  #63 
Hello guys/gals, lets save brother FMD.........I will start with a $10 donation to replace the azaleas.......I had some good laughs and my gorgeous wife too.

Thanks Rafed that was a terrifying picture! that could happen to me if I don't
have enough fresh figs for the season!!LOL!

ps. You know how BIG my wife is!!!!!
Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #64 
Paulley -Im not sending him diddly squat after all he says
Figs are the devil, the devil I tell you. Especially the BLACK ones.

FMD
Stay away from the white figs those are the devils temptation that are a dime a dozen and most only average in taste.   ; )
 
pitangadiego

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Posted Reply with quote  #65 
OK, lets go in a different direction. Should FMD be banned from the forum for lying to us, soliciting false sympathy, and etc?
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Gina

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Posted Reply with quote  #66 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rafed
Frank,

Does this mean we don't get to see you in one of these?


 

Rafed.... all that from a Bee Sting????? 


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JoAnn749

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Posted Reply with quote  #67 
IF this his first infraction I'd say put him on parole - AND we will have to watch him the way we watch our figs!!

Pssst FMD - I'm with you!  Take back the garden!!  Fignuts unite!!
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BronxFigs

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Posted Reply with quote  #68 
This "sit-com" just keeps getting better.  I thought I had a warped mind...but some of you have me beat.  It's disgusting, vicious, degrading, embarrassing, and some of the attached images were really disturbing!   This thread has become the Fig Forum's,  "Rotten.com".   Don't stop...I love it!!! 

See the picture of that poor schmuck laying spread-eagle in bed?  I'd pay to see the ceiling fan suddenly drop and hit him, you know where. It would serve him right for looking so ridiculous.  A real Laurel and Hardy sight gag!

Rafed...is that you?  Sorry buddy...I'd still pay to see it...no offense.

Frank
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FMD

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Posted Reply with quote  #69 

Quote:
Originally Posted by pitangadiego
OK, lets go in a different direction. Should FMD be banned from the forum for lying to us, soliciting false sympathy, and etc?

No fair!

If I get banned, Rafed goes with me for misrepresenting the true location of his bee sting.

Although, sympathy from the male members of the forum would have been off the charts.
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Frank
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BronxFigs

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Posted Reply with quote  #70 
FMD ...."sympathy from the MALE MEMBERS..."  They could also write?  You-Tube video, please.

Frank
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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #71 
HeyHayHEYheyHAYhey,

I never ever said that was me. LOL
I found this picture when I binged " pictures of people in full body cast".

Some members have seen the hole on my leg privately.
The hole is rather big and deep and looks like it's smiling at me.
Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #72 
Aw dont Ban FMD  Jon for im just getting him to the dark side little by little.

Rafed may take some time as he has some many fig plants he has yet to taste but in the end he will realize that the great tasting dark types far out number the white ones and will come to realization he is wasting space in his yard, time , fertilizer, pots, potting soil, money etc with these the white types. ; )
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Posted Reply with quote  #73 
Martin,

Lying about figs is about as serious an offense as there can be.
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DesertDance

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Posted Reply with quote  #74 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FMD
This is FMD's wife....it is Father's day after all and I do know how to forgive. However, I do expect 12 red roses, Godiva chocolates and plane tickets to Venice, Italy (where he can get more fig plants for his collection ) waiting for me at home. If not, expect a similar scene from this photo for my next posting :)


Wow!  I never would have thought of Italy!  Not all of us on this forum are male, and those of us who are female warned him!  He should have asked before he destroyed your gorgeous Azaleas!  Since he didn't, he now must suffer the fallout!  Enjoy Italy!  Post pictures!

Suzi
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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #75 
Then his sentence should fit the crime!

Make him listen to the Partridge Family album from three months straight. 27/7 none stop



Be Happy
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Posted Reply with quote  #76 

A more pleasant sentence would be hunting for unknown fig trees in Venice. Win-win. :)

 

You might find a luscious dark fig ..and name it Othello - protagonist from another classic tragedy.

 

 
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Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #77 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pitangadiego
Martin,

Lying about figs is about as serious an offense as there can be.


Now if he would have said white figs are better than dark ones then in my opinion thats not true so i see no reason to banish him after all Jon look at his screen name initials

F  = for
M = more
D = dark
DesertDance

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Posted Reply with quote  #78 
I think she should shape YOUR fig trees into topiaries!  See how many figs you get that way!

I do love figs, but I would NEVER key JD's porsche!  Tremble!

Suzi
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Posted Reply with quote  #79 
Post # 75/Rafed....

The "music" that you suggest is still too good.  Try Yoko Ono for just a few hours.  He'll crack for sure!

Bronx Frank
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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #80 
Frank,

All though I agree with you.
But your method would be considered "Cruel and Unusual Punishment". The last thing we need is the have the human rights activists breathing down our necks.
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Posted Reply with quote  #81 

Anyone but this guy, please!!!!

I'll be good, I promise!!!

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Frank
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Posted Reply with quote  #82 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FMD
Ok, for the real truth: this thread is 100% satirical based on some truths. The topiary azaleas died a cruel death from our last unseasonable freeze (killing 90% of my figs as well), so my wife was actually happy that I pulled out those ugly corpses and planted something green in their place. I am emailing her this entire thread, which she will find hilarious. The part about eating my figs but complaining about the mess I make rooting cuttings is also true.

 
I guess you won't be needing my guest room then. My fig trees were getting all excited over having a very special fig lover staying here!
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Charles in Pensacola AKA Darkman
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Gina

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Posted Reply with quote  #83 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FMD

Anyone but this guy, please!!!!

I'll be good, I promise!!!

 

Too late....

 
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Posted Reply with quote  #84 
Waay late!  Make sure she get's spa stuff in Positano, you know, while you go search for figs.  I doubt you will get lucky because those old Italians are protective...

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rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #85 
Personnely,
I don't mind some Barry Manilow.

Relax the mind dude.
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Posted Reply with quote  #86 
Thanks for the support, Charles. The year is only half over. Plenty more opportunities to screw up. Keep that room available.

Thanks for stimulating the old gag reflex, Gina.

Positano is second only to Ravello as the most beautiful spot on the Amalfi Coast. A cutting from a Positano fig tree with beautiful, large Martin colored figs accidentally fell into my suitcase, but alas did not root back in Tallahassee. I know the exact location of that tree. I will be back.

Rafed, relaxing the mind is one thing but pushing an icepick up the nose into the frontal lobe is entirely something else.
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Posted Reply with quote  #87 

Quote:
Thanks for stimulating the old gag reflex, Gina.

 

My work here is done.  :)
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Posted Reply with quote  #88 
To all the members

Thank you for all the good laughs. This is a super thread.
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Posted Reply with quote  #89 
A dark fig from Positano ?
Pictures of the tree there and dark colored fruit on it since you say its dark type or it did not happen.   ; )
rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #90 
Martin,

I have white figs that will make your mouth water. Emmm Em
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Posted Reply with quote  #91 
Yes i would get heartburn then vomit in my throat .

Just you wait till your plants mature and you taste the dark types vs the white -green  ones you will come over slowly and slowly get rid of them light ones 1 x1 .
Ronde will be a good start after 2nd year crop of figs it will spoil you and same with Violet de Bordeaux.

I try to save you some growing space and time and effort but you will see one day.
I still wuv ya Babe non the less.    ; )
rafed

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Posted Reply with quote  #92 
Martin,

I like any fig.
Brown, white, black or gray or what ever color they come. Even a BT.

Given the short season we have I don't have time to pick and choose. I enjoy them all.
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Posted Reply with quote  #93 
Rafed, my season short like yours also Ronde is one of the early ones.  ; )
You grow in pots mostly so mid August thru September you should be stuffing your face just like I.  ; )
Was eating figs as early as August 12th last season.
Growing in containers is like cheating mother nature in a sense so i cheat .
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Posted Reply with quote  #94 

Martin, do you consider BT and Magnolia dark figs?

If so,  “Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!” .
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Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #95 
Brown Turkey was one of my very first fig trees i had and did eat fruit one year from it and they were not great but not horrible .
It died over wintering in my yard shed a season or so afterwards.

Who is Lucy im lost .lol
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Posted Reply with quote  #96 
Martin,

Lucy from "I love Lucy"
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Posted Reply with quote  #97 
And so we have come full circle... from "Shhhh! Don't tell my wife." to  “Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!” .

Fun thread.

 

 

 

 
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Posted Reply with quote  #98 
I think that's a little backwards in this case!  FMD has some "splainin'" to do!  I'd love a picture of him bringing $300 azaleas to his wife with his pockets inside out!  Oh, and a photo of the tickets for her and a girlfriend to Italy!

Suzi
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Dieseler

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Posted Reply with quote  #99 
Oh Lucy i get it , always enjoyed that showmand if one ever saw her younger pictures wow.
Anyhoot i can imagine FMD making a face like Jackie Gleason on
The Honeymooners show with his sad funny looking expression when he finally realizes that he made a big mistake then in the end says to Alice
"Honey Your The Greatest"
and
if you been married long enough you have been there done that at least once and probably more !
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Posted Reply with quote  #100 
Those old shows had some kind of magic! The slang changes, but the rules don't!  FMD is in serious trouble.  FMD, when will you post a picture of the tickets to Italy for your wife and her friend?

Suzi
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