So the most prolific of my young trees this year is a Scotts Black.  She just keeps making fig after fig after fig.  A couple of the early figs tried to ripen, but as a reward for my patience I was paid back with bird-gnawed scraps to torment me with thoughts of what could have been.

A few days back Im out watering the trees and there I see a fig ...swelling up nicely and kissed with purple. I get a Grinch-ish smile, think about what could be, turn around, and....

Lock eyes with my steely-eyed nemesis, my backyard Mockingbird. He cocks his head and stares me down.

Cue the theme song for "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" (the Ramones version, please).

"Oh, Hellllll no you won't" I shout at him, perched on the shed roof and eyeing my prize. "Do you hear me, bird? Helllll no, you won't!". He seems nonplussed (the new North American definition of the word...)

My wife looks out the kitchen window, opens it... "You Ok?"  I point at the bird, begin to stammer something about the bird, then decide to drop the explanation. ( Last week she heard me have an argument with our indoor/outdoor rabbit, Dennis Hopper, whether he intended to sit on the threshold all day and wouldn't AC be nice on a hot day like this and why are Rabbits so frustrating? Says the wife to my spawn - "Your father is losing his mind". "Oh, he did that a long time ago".  I think of Rome and Paterfamilias and the fact that the sassy-mouthed blonde one would have fetched a fair price in the slave markets of Libya. That and recipes for rabbit stew)

But I digress. Back to Mr. Nemesis.

I go out to the shed and grab my entire assortment of ABG (anti-bird gear):  Aluminum Strips, a plastic snake, scraps of an old cast net.  Thoughts of mini-barrage-balloons bouyed with spiderwire flit through my head -- that'll cut the b*****d -- but decided that that option may have the wife beginning to consider some form of Baker-Acting.

The fig darkens. Then the rains begin (again).  I cover the pot to protect it from too much rain. Take that, Florida!  

The fig droops. Cracks a little.  'Tis the time. Oh, how softly she surrenders to the gentle tug.  A fig and a glass of lemon Verbena sweet tea to wash it down with.  I sit on the back patio to enjoy this hard-earned little morsel. The Mockingbird assumes his usual position on the rooftop.

I take a bite. Flavors swirl in my mouth.  My eyes dance as I look at the bird.  Nibble number two... I laugh at him ... "Oh, my boy, if you only knew how gooooood this is..."... a smaller nibble, just to torture him some more.... "Little Dude, this is really good. I mean REALLY good...".

He cocks his little head.  I think of all of the yeoman work he does for me each and every day...hunting down those bugs who terrorize my garden.  One little bite left...

His little eyes gleam. Pleading, almost.

Oh, you SOB. Here, take it. I leave the scraps on the table, fetch my tea and walk outside. I watch him through the window. He's on it in a heartbeat. I swear his little beady eyes roll to the back of his little cocky head. That's ok, Little Dude, enjoy... theres quite a few more where that one came from...

I smile. Then my eyes wander to the tree next to the Scotts Black -- my honey fig with five little morsels of heaven beginning to develop. Nope, I'll tussel with him over THOSE figs....

Life is good. Every day is a blessing from the Creator of men...and mockingbirds.

J

James, great story and well-written!  Glad you got to enjoy your fig although not sure your plan of deterring the bird is going to work out too well! ;)

I have an old book around here somewhere called A Hunter's Fireside Book by Gene Hill.  Nice little short stories to enjoy while outside of hunting season.  Your story seems appropriate for the figaholic version. One thing seems right, for sure "he did that a long time ago." :)

Ok, tell the truth....

You've named this bird Hansel and you're just fattening him up in preparation for Thanksgiving!

Wonderfully written story :)

Hi nativesun,
Since I cut an of my shirts to pieces that I put on figs, I didn't have serious damage to figs.
Be careful for beautiful nurses coming around you with an heavy duty shirt :) .

Great Story!  Just maybe you can train him to keep other birds away for scraps, stranger things have happened.  

Whoever coined the phrase "bird brained" surely wasn't referring to Mocking birds, the ones I see around here are some snarky, sharp little creatures.

Cool story.  Can't wait to hear another.

Good story. Whoever said birds don't attack green figs was crazy. Today, birds thoroughly devoured about 5 plump green genoa figs almost to the stems. In a very short time too.

Great story. Glad you got to enjoy your fig

Wonderful telling, I do know your pain I had one last year that would never leave my tree. This year he came back with his whole new family so I have to sew four nets together to cover my tree....the neighbors have been nice enough to tell me how amusing it was watching chasing the birds and fighting the large net onto the tree....

Great Story!! I feel for you  :(...I have the same problem. Kept my eyes on two almost ready plump  RDB figs, went two days later to check them, looked they had been trampled by horses,the only left was being eaten by the Yellow Jackets! : )

Nice story telling! I fight the mocking birds for blueberries and the rats for the figs! Its a constant battle one way or another and Im usually on the winning side ;) The mocking bird is our state bird so killing them against the law..... ;)

James, you're quite a story teller. I've enjoyed reading your story and I liked your style of writing tremendously. You may wanna consider writing some short-story books. Your stories would hot sellers for sure.

James,
Great story!  Thanks for sharing.  

Linden

Thanks for sharing, I think everyone, at some time, has shared your experience.

Thank you all for the very kind remarks! Harvey, to be mentioned in the same universe as Mr. Hill (one of my favorite outdoor writers, along with Rutledge, Babcock, and MacQuarrie) is a tremendous compliment. (Chuckling)  Y'all will get a few of these stories this year, as this forum is one of my "test beds" for writing -- our principal has linked the arts areas with the academic departments -- each art area has to build knowledge in a specific academic discipline while the core subject teachers have to work to develop our artistic side.

Since I'm the only sibling who cannot play an instrument or sing, and hobbit-folk don't make graceful ballet dancers, it was a  toss-up between visual arts and writing.  The creative writing teacher snagged me as her partner so I now have to write one piece a month to have her critique it and work with me. Fortunately, gardening provides a pretty rich source of material as all of us are constantly waging our own little battles against nature, beast, and - sometimes - man. 

So Ill write it here first, with all of its errors, etc. Copy it, give it to my peer and have her help refine the story. It made me smile to see her smile and get the paper back with only minor revisions (since it is an informal style of writing and she enjoys the "Southernness" of my storytelling -- geesh, Yankee women). I'd removed some of the "Salt" for our middle school students and she had me "re-season it", hah. She said as a new writer I had a little bit of potential for future development. There's a fig metaphor in there somewhere.

She also knows my family pretty well, so she can appreciate just how autobiographical this story really is.  


Thanks again, y'all...

I didn't notice any "Southernness" in the story really, other than the subject matter perhaps.  It's certainly not Mark Twain, thank goodness.  I'm guessing the salt you removed was the part about selling your daughter into slavery :)

I enjoyed reading that, James.  You're nicer than I.

For a moment, I thought the mockingbird could sing the theme from The Good The Bad and The Ugly.

Now that would be something.

Beautiful story!...so vivid and a great read

Thanks, Y'all --

Rob the "Southernness" is usually reflected in some of my other stories Ive written for the project...usually hunting related.

Plus she gets to hear me speak. She noted my accent/drawl.  Says I: "What accent?" hah!

Good Scott's Black review, ;) I'm looking forward to trying it next year. I'll be sure to use netting.

Mike in Hanover, VA