For 2 years now, I've been contemplating telling this story.  Today, I think its safe to tell it....here goes!

Two summers ago, I was out scouting neighborhoods for fig trees.  I was in an old part of Charlotte where there were a lot of 1960 bungalows.  As I passed this old school building I noticed this large beautiful fig tree in the back of someone’s yard.  This tree looks to be at least 20 years old!  It was loaded with figs.  I knocked on the door and nobody was home.  The next day, different time, I came back.  I knocked and this elderly man answered the door.  I asked about the fig tree and he spoke with broken English saying that the tree came from Sicily, his home town.  He said the figs were just a black fig that grows wild there.  He said his name was Emilio.  I asked for some cuttings and he said to come back Saturday.  He said today was not a good day.

One week ago to the day, I came back.  Man I was excited!  I was about to get some Italian cuttings from Sicily!  As I walked up to the house, I noticed it looked like there was a party at Emilio’s house.  The street was filled with cars so I parked behind the house at the school.  I knocked on the door with pruning shears in hand and no answer.  There was a sign on the door but I could not read the language.  I assumed it meant to come around the back.  So, I did.  When I got around the back I notice folks were standing and talking and drink beer.  Some were speaking a language I did not understand.  Most were in their 50s, 60s and some looked younger.  They waved at me and kept talking.  I took a beer from the cooler and started asking for Emilio.  The people looked at me weird and just walked away.  So, I took a swig of my beer threw it in the trash and walked over in the yard where the fig tree was and started popping of a few cuttings.  Then I heard someone yelled at me,  “HEY STOP YOU”  “WHAT YOU DO TO MY FIG”!  STOP!   STOP!  I SAY!!!

I took about 10 cuttings and glanced behind me and saw 4 men running toward me.  One guy started yelling at me in some language as he’s running towards me.  I finish my 10^th cutting when they reached me.

I just smilled and said, “Emilio told me to come back today and to get some cuttings”.   "Where is he?"  "I want to thank him for the cuttings." 

One guy said, “man are you crazy?”

I said: “No, Emilio and I talked last week and he told me to come back today and to get as many cuttings as I want.” 

Then another guy said, “Emilio died 3 days ago”.  “Today, is his birthday and we are celebrating his life and death.”  “ Drop the cuttings and get out of here now!” 

With egg on my face, I said:  “Wow!"  "I am so sorry!"  "I did not know that."  "Guys,  I’m really sorry for your loss.  I think Emilio would want me to have these cuttings."  "Yes?" 

Another guy said, “I don’t think so”.  “This tree is my grandmother’s fig tree in Sicily, it is a special fig.”   We do not know you!  You cannot have any of these cuttings! 

Then he drops his beer and grabbed me from the side.  Another guy took a swing at me, then all four jumped in.  As they began to rain blows on me, I realized I had to get out of there quick.  I felt like Neo in the Matrix!  I spun around, ducked down and broke free from them.  It all happened so fast!  Man I took off running like OJ Simpson jumping over luggage in the airport!  With a fist full of cuttings in my left hand, I took off headed for the fence.  I heard one of them say:  “GET HIM!!!”   They took off after me but I was faster than them.  As I got closer to the fence I realize the fence was an old rusty 2 footer and I kept running and just hurdled the fence in full stride!  Cans of beer were whizzing by my head and one did him me on the shoulder but I was gone!  They could not keep up!  I laughed and kept running.  My truck was unlocked.  I opened the door, tossed the cuttings in the passenger seat and took off down the street burning rubber looking in my rearview mirror to see if I was followed.  I wasn’t.   I made it home safe and sound.  When I got home, my wife looked at me.

She said:  “where have you been?” 

I said:  “getting fig cuttings”. 

She kissed me and said, “ yuck!  you smell like beer!”  Who’s tree have you been raiding this time and what happened? 

I said, “I don’t know…some guy named Emilio. “  I was attacked by his friend when I started taking a few cuttings and then they tried to jump me”

She said, “If he told you, you could have some then why did they jump you?

I said, “old man Emilio told me 7 days ago to come today and get my cuttings”.   “What I didn’t know was he died 3 days ago!”   “I went to get the cuttings at the same time they were having a party in his honor because today was his birthday party.“   “His friends didn’t know me and they certainly did not want to give up any of Emilio’s fig cuttings!”   “So, his friends tried  to jump me but I ran and go away!”  “They threw cans of beer at me as I was running.”   “That’s how I got wet.”   “One did hit me on the shoulder but it didn’t hurt.”  “Heck, I didn’t know the old man died”!   “I was looking for him and when I did not see him, I proceeded to get my fig cuttings.”  “That’s when his friends tried to jump me”.  “But I did get my cuttings!”  Hehehe!

She said…”one day, you’re going to get shot!”  “You’re one crazy man Dennis Johnson!”  “One day, you’re going to be on the 6 o’clock news!”  "One day!"

I just smiled and said, “a crazy man with fresh fig cuttings!”

Each cutting rooted and is growing fine.  I think I should name the trees Emilio in his honor.  I think the fig is Valle Negra...but I could be wrong.

What a wild story. U need to be careful!

Dennis, very entertaining to read over my lunch hour.  Running hurdles in high school have helped you get out of more than one jam!

That is a wild and crazy story!  Love it!  Thanks for posting!!

Suzi

Dennis, you're the MAN!   Too bad about Emilio, you two probably would have become friends and friends with his friends.  And they each would have given you cuttings from their own special fig tree.

But this makes you the Indiana Jones of the fig world.

Never go in against a Sicilian when figs are on the line!

For the love of figs, I tell you!  Did you wake up the next morning to find a horse head in your bed?  Great story, Dennis!

May Emilo rest in peace!  It's been 2 years since that happened.  For days, I was looking over my shoulder and checking my rear view mirror.  I don't anymore.  At the time of the incident, I really didn't have time to think.  I just got out of there!  Looking back now, I think its kinda funny.....

that is an absolutely wonderful story. thank you.

God rest his soul.
Crazy story indeed.
But you did not finish the rest of the story.  Did the cuttings root?  do you now have a tree(s) and figs from Emilio?

Great story, Dennis!


Isn't Valle Negra from northern Italy?

Hey Dennis, great story! BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE CUTTINGS????!

For the love of figs. Great story and in his honor.

yes.  the leaf pattern is that of Aubique Petite.  I gave some trees away and about 4 or 5 somewhere.  I repotted one over the weekend.  I need to post some leaf patterns.  i really don't know what the tree is.  I've been to Italy once in my life and never to Sicily.

Dennis, that's a hoot!
How much do you want to bet that they sold Emilo's house and the new owners cut the tree down? :-(
This "owner just died" thing has happened to me twice in the last year.  In my case it was trees that I've had my eye on and have been meaning to go ask about.  By the time I got around to it, the people who might have had knowledge of the trees origin/history were no longer with us and the new owners weren't "fig people."  At least you got to talk to Emilio and learn that the tree was from Sicily.  I guess you have to act right away...one of these days I'm going to put off procrastinating...
Cheers,
Jim

Dennis, that was the best fig story I have ever  heard, it is something out of the movies, enjoyed every word of it.

You're nuts, Dennis!  Those better be some damn good figs.  ;)

That is wild. That is fig fanatic determination. I thought you woulda dropped them cuttings in the tumult. You got me beat ;)
You know we're gonna have to hound you for cuttings now right?
;) hehe!

As an Italian I was more than a little shocked to read your story.  I will reserve any comments regarding the appalling behavior, the hostility, and the unforgivable rudeness of Emilo's friends towards you, especially after you explained the reasons as to just why you were there.  You deserved better.  We have a word for this sort of riff-raff...we call these kind of people.... "cavones". *

I assure you that had you walked into any celebrations involving my family and friends, you would have been treated like one of the family, and with far more civility.  In fact, you would have gotten not only your cuttings, but you would have also gotten a good meal, including dessert, and a good size "doggie-bag" to take home.

After reading about your colorful escapades involving that Sicilian "mob", the figs better be worth it.  Trust me, the experience you had was an aberration.


Frank

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*cavone..... ignorant, uncouth, ill-mannered, stupid, loud, boorish, embarrassing.

That is an awesome story, Dennis! I'm sure you were looking over your shoulder for a while. Good to know this happened here in Charlotte. :)

I bet that quite a few people on the forum have at least one funny/scary "fig-ninja" story to tell. So, start sharing so that all of us could have a laugh. As you saw, the statute of limitations is 2 years. :)

Good story!

Dragos

I agree with Frank of the Bronx.

frank is right. italians are not like that. warm greetings n hospitality are the norm.

Webster needs to come up with a definition for a new word...FIGNUT... I am sure the definition will make reference to Dennis. You need to write a book including every fignut's experiences, I am sure yours will top all.

Great story. U-da-man!